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Between heaven and hell - Epilogue


Sometimes things scare the living shit out of you, the change you see in them nothing you approve of but you have to go through it cause in the end it might be the best thing that could ever happen to you. Take me for an example. I never saw myself living the life I did now, that something would lead me into this direction but I was the happiest man on earth. My family was everything to me, the crazy bunch of people that surrounded me were the blood running through my veins and I was more than grateful for every single one of them.
When I looked into to the mirror I saw the same person as always only that now my life was complete. Music and art would always be an important part of my life, it was who I am and I couldn’t breathe without my work. It was my passion and what I was made for but there were other things I needed as well. Other people I needed. There was Chris. She filled my life with the love I was always searching for and it took me nine months and the birth of my beautiful son to realize it, to open up and to let her fully in. She always had my heart, I silently knew it but a small boy was the one who let me admit it openly and mostly to myself. This girl was everything I could ever ask for and I would never understand why she chose me. How did I deserve someone as wonderful, loving and outstanding as her?! I had no answer and I guess it is good that way. You don’t always have to question everything as long as you appreciate it. And I did, I loved her with everything I had and I made sure to show her my feelings every day. I was never the type of big gestures and neither was she so it might look weird to other people but she always understood me. I would make breakfast for us, I would buy her favorite sweets or I would bang her the whole night long and we both knew that it was my way of showing her my deep love for her.
My son Jack was probably the biggest gift ever. He was my everything; he was the reason why I kept working on myself as hard as possible. I wanted him to feel loved and protected; I wanted him to never miss a single thing in his life. To be the best dad I could was what I wanted and I made the promise to myself that he would have the best life I could offer him.  It was fascinating to see him growing with every day that passed; even I saw how he looked exactly like me. His eyes quickly took the same color as mine and when I looked at old pictures of me as a child and back to my son it always hit me in my face. I admit that I was more than proud of that, it kinda gave us a stronger connection and a deep relationship. He was a daddy’s boy from the beginning on, he wanted to do everything I did and he wanted to wear what I wore. It was beautiful.
The band was more successful than ever, album after album kicking everyone’s asses and we were proud of everything we made. My brother and I started our own record label and helped small bands becoming famous. We loved it, of course we did. It was a lot of work and exactly what we needed. After Tomo and Vicki got their first child, a beautiful dark haired daughter named Mirjana, what meant “the beauty” in Croatian, everything really seemed to fall in place. We became this huge, crazy family and we liked to spend weekends full of eating, laughing and playing with the kids. It was quite unreal how everything changed and how we all became parents over the years. How Shannon was probably more of a “wild” dad, letting Ryan do whatever he wanted and how I always had my eye on Jack, trying to protect him from everything too dangerous. Tomo always laughed at us, mostly because we were so differently and it showed even more when it came to our kids. I mean it was always obvious that we were the complete opposite but he was my second half, my closest person and my best friend.
It was an early winter’s day when I packed my bags, ready to hit the road for two short weeks to promote our new album when I heard the soft cries from the other room. “Jared could you please. I’m busy down here.” Chris’s voice came up from somewhere downstairs and I gladly walked over to the room next to our bedroom. When I took the small worm out of the cradle and looked into the red crying face my heart immediately ached. It was horrible to see your child in pain, especially when you couldn’t do much about it. The stomachache was going like that for over a week now and the doctors said that it was probably just a tiny virus. So we spent the nights sleepless, full of cries and we suffered with our baby. As I placed the small bundle on my shoulder and slowly started to hum I felt how something pulled the leg of my pants. I looked down into the bright blue eyes of Jack and stroked his middle long dark hair. “What’s up buddy?”  “Daddy, can I play with uncle Shannie and Ryan please?” I smiled at my son and asked him if he asked his mother before he quickly nodded his head and told me in his stuttered, way too fast speaking voice that he needed to see his cousin’s new sandbox and that Shannon would pick him up. “Sure but watch out and give me a kiss.” He smiled at me brightly, his eyes sparkling as I bent down, careful to not let the small human on my shoulder fall, before he took my face in his small hands and pressed his lips against my cheek. “I love you daddy.” With that he ran as fast as his tiny feet could carry him and disappeared out of my sight. I shook my head at my four year old son, his energy something he had from me as well. I focused my attention back on the crying worm in my arms and started humming again while I stroked the little one’s back. As two slim arms wrapped around my waist from behind and the familiar scent filled my nose I relaxed into the touch. “Can’t you just stay?” Her words were muffled since she had buried her face against my shirt. “Baby I have to go. It’s only two weeks, I’ll be back sooner than you can say good bye.” I turned around and pulled her against me with my free hand and she immediately laid her head against my shoulder. I heard her whispered I know and sighed loudly. Chris took her hand and stroked the small head of our baby as the cries slowly started to fade.
“I feel so sorry for our little angel. That’s not fair.” I nodded in agreement before I told her to go take a bath or some sleep and that I would take care of everything. Her answer was a long kiss on my lips before she disappeared into the bathroom. It was never boring in my life, something was always happening and I wouldn’t want to miss a single second of it. I couldn’t help myself but smile as I walked downstairs and into the kitchen, trying to ease some of the pain my child had to endure. This story began with a portion fish in a restaurant in downtown L.A and it ends with a bottle of tea I’m feeding my three months old daughter in the Hollywood hills and I couldn’t wait what the future held for us.